Sunday, December 26, 2004





breaking news.
a daring daylight robbery in downtown tokyo is set to break all records for global crimes of this nature. a small cabal believed to be elected neo conmen arrived at high noon at the tokyo central bank, in a red taxi, which they claimed was loaded with several suitcase-sized tactical nuclear weapons.

the gang, wearing rubber masks in the likeness of top american political figures, were only on the premises for two or three minutes. shouting slogans - ' we are the superpower ' and ' down with everyone else ' and ' anyone not in the taxi in the next three minutes is a terrorist ' - the raiders left, taking with them the guts of the entire japanese national production effort of the last forty years - a crumpled handwritten i.o.u. note for 800 billion dollars.

while the heavy gold bars in the bank's vaults remained untouched, a search is now underway for the note. . .

tokyo police believe that at least one of the gang may have been a woman, possibly even of afro-american or mixed race. as the gang left the building they audaciously left a receipt. it read simply ' thanks suckers ' and was signed with the one word ' rumsfeld.' the signature was later found to be made with a type of rubber stamp commonly used for mass producing sympathy notes to dead soldiers' mothers - and thus of little value. ( hundreds of these are still being issued. )

the authorities now await the gang's next move. the i.o.u. note is too big to cash and the fear is that the neo conmen may simply threaten to tear it up, thus plunging all of western civilisation into darkness.

of course they could also threaten to detonate their suitcase bombs - which would have much the same effect.

returning from his ' zen and the art of golf club membership ' midwinter weekend retreat, the governor of the bank of japan smiled enigmatically at the assembled press, refused to answer promptings about ritual suicide, and went back to work in his office.

since then there have been no further developments. a large number of used ' greenbacks ' have been seen littering the streets of the financial district. environmental groups have complained. children have been advised not to pick them up.

every effort is being made to play down the crisis and to carry on business as usual. the yen rose slightly in after hours trading. the central bank is expected to open as normal on monday morning.


a small notice in english and japanese in the front window of the bank ( of a kind familiar in seedy back street geisha bars in the financial district ) says simply -

' please do not ask for credit - as a refusal may offend.'


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